She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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