You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
