So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
