just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
