Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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