Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Panties = found
Randomize
