If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
