I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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