It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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