Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Terrible idea I love it
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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