Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
