Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
