I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
