so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
