does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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