I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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