I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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