Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
