does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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