he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize