If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
