I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
