I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
