My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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