drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
