You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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