I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
