i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
