I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
