I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
