He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
