my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
