pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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