My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we made out on top of his cat.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize