Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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