when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
