I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
