You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
