jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
