i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
