Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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