that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
