There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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