my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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