I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Of course I have a pirate flag
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize