I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize