Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
