His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
