Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
