It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
