I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
