I've blown a few things in my day
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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