At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
