I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Randomize
