Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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