so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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