just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
