My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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