p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
