my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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