i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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