3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
