i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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