I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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