I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
