he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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