Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize