My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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